Tid Bits for your Lady Bits

The afternoon was dragging on at the office today, so I moseyed on back to the kitchen to re-fill my mug with some hot coffee.  When I walked in, my friend/co-worker was sitting at the table flipping through this pretty pink magazine someone delivered to us earlier in the day.  She holds up this photo from one of the inside pages and says, "I'm gonna buy this for someone I know."  I literally had to do a double-take...the CamelNot, "Keeping your Privates Private."  Unbelievable.  I suddenly felt a burst of energy, and no longer needed the coffee (I filled up and drank it anyway, but I no longer needed it).  I flipped to the front cover to see what the hell kind of magazine was advertising such a product; I initially thought it was some kind of joke.  With tears in my eyes from laughing so hard, I immediately made a copy of the ad and showed it to everyone in the office.  This was just too good to keep between the two of us! 

According to the ad, the CamelNot can save women the embarrassment of a camel-toe (when your pants ride-up into your vagina, leaving the image of a camel's toe).  Poor camels.  Have women ever thought of using a mirror to prevent such a miss-hap?  If you feel you have to buy a product such as this, perhaps then you might first consider buying bigger bottoms?!

The company producing this commodity known as the CamelNot is called, Braza-Bra.  Amazingly enough, I have actually purchased products from this company before.  They make an equally-amazing band-aid for a woman’s other special parts, too!  When a backless shirt is just too fancy for a bra, Braza-Bra's nipple pads are quite convenient.  Anyways, the photo of the CamelNot appeared to be the same thin material as the nipple pads I had previously purchased.  I thought to myself, there is just no band-aid on the planet that can keep some women's pussies from eating their jeans or leggings!  So I realized I needed to buy a CamelNot for research. 

This proved to be a far more difficult task than I anticipated.  As a matter-of-fact, I never ended up with a CamelNot of my own.  It’s not easy calling your local retailer and asking them if they carry the latest in camel-toe prevention.  I called all the local retailers and tried my best to describe it.  According to Braza-Bra’s website, over 5,000 retailers carry its products.  Apparently none of them are located in Arizona’s west valley; which makes me wonder, why was this ad placed in a west valley specialty magazine?  What struck me as even funnier, was the fact that it was placed above an advertisement calling for candidates to participate in a Type 2 Diabetes study, and underneath an ad for a charity event benefiting Lupus!  What was the editor thinking?     

One great thing about this magazine was the fact that it was pretty and pink to promote Breast Cancer Awareness month.  A very special thanks to the West Valley Health & Living magazine (October 2010 edition) for printing this advertisement, and giving me such great writing material.  Want to buy a CamelNot or other Braza-Bra product of your own?  Visit http://www.braza-bra.com/.  

Until the next Sarcastic Sunday…keep the comments coming.

Yours truly,

Kerri J.

The Big Red Dot

This week, I will be attacking some very important subject matter: "The Crimson Tide", "Aunt Flow", "My Friend", "The Monthly Visitor", "TOM" (Time of the Month), "The Rag", or as most normal women call it, "a royal pain in the ass!"

Menstruation is (plug your ears, boys) the monthly shedding of endometrium (the uterine lining), and an imperative part of the female reproductive system.  For us women lucky enough to have a period, it typically takes over our lives for about a week at time, and without fail, brings along its friends, cramping, bloating, cravings, sensitivity and bitchiness.  How lucky are we?  Now, don't get me wrong; this is not a man-hating, feminist article about how unfair it is to be a woman, or that women have it so much tougher than men; but I was having the most intellectual of intellectual conversations about "the big red dot" with the gals at work the other day, and they really had some great wisdom about this.  With their permission, I just had to share it with you...

To protect the innocent, the character's names have been changed.  Let me start with.....ummm...I'll call her, Jane.  Jane is a dear and wonderful friend/co-worker of mine.  She is full of wisdom about all sorts of fabulous things, including periods.  Jane seems to think that if men, too, had to shed their innards on a monthly basis, bleeding through a tampon in less than 30 minutes would constitute bragging rights.  Can't you hear it?  Mike says to Matt, "Dude, I had to change my tampon THREE times in an hour!!"  Then Matt says to Mike, "That's nothing, man, I went through six NIGHTTIME, extra-long maxi-pads last night!" 

I mean, seriously, I can only imagine the cool-potential of periods if our male counterparts experienced them, too.  Another key insight from Jane was the notion that our $10 per box tampons would be government subsidized if men and women both had periods.  I could probably afford a second mortgage if I didn't have to pay "period" premiums on all the crap we need just to make it through!  Midol would not only be sold over-the-counter, but could also be purchased at every hot dog stand and ice cream truck in the nation.  A standard work week would be Monday-Sunday for three weeks straight, and periods have the week off! 

Our conversation abruptly came to an end when one of our two male employees caught us at the water-cooler; well we don't actually have a water-cooler, just a double-carafe coffee maker which is just as important!

Until the next Sarcastic Sunday...keep the comments coming!

Yours truly,

Kerri J.

Turn Signals

You know those levers on the left-hand side of your steering wheel that move up and down?  They're called TURN SIGNALS, and guess what, they're not just there for looks!  I started driving at the tender age of 16, and 10 years later, I still don't understand why people refuse to use these fascinating little devices.  You may be thinking, what a petty topic of conversation, but this is something that really chaps my hide on a daily basis. 

Turn signals are a key part of driving.  You can't pass your driver's license test if you don't know how to use them.  So where did we go awry; how did we become so lazy?

What I really want to know is, are the rest of us supposed to just guess that you will be turning as you're flying down the street at 50 plus miles per hour?  I mean, as a norm, I am already an anxious driver, especially when other cars are behind me...you know, that feeling like, "crap, I probably could have gone ten times!"  Well the feeling is worsened when I'm sitting at a stop sign, apparently left my ESP at home, and then I'm ridiculed when realizing that I ACTUALLY COULD HAVE GONE 10 TIMES!

The worst thing of all is when you get cut-off by someone who is "too good for turn signals."  If you're going to send me to near-death by a concrete median, the very least you could do is warn me!  Anyways, I feel better for getting this off of my chest (and yes, Mom, I still have a chest even after getting all this off of it!).  If you are one of those who just isn't in the groove of kicking the stick when you're going left or right, PLEASE reconsider!

Until the next Sarcastic Sunday, keep the comments coming...

Yours truly,

Kerri J.